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Feature Article: Dealing with Anger, Hurt and Resentment in a Healthy Way

Suzanne Recommends:

Inspirational Women's Garden Club, Wednesday, June 25, 7 pm EST

  • Dealing with Anger, Hurt and Resentment in a Healthy Way, Wed, June 25, 7 pm EST

Dealing with Anger, Hurt and Resentment in a Healthy Way

Conflict is part of our daily lives and often experienced regularly with those closest to us. Your spouse, your children, your manager at work, parents or siblings often are those with whom conflict is most apparent and most quickly generated. The friction of normal day-to-day life brings out both the best and the worst in us all at times.

Anger is nothing new, and something that is recorded as early as Genesis 4. In the story of two brothers, Cain and Abel, the older brother, Cain, was angry with Abel because God had been pleased with Abel's sacrifice, but not with Cain's. God intervened, warning Cain about his anger and asking him to reflect on its origin. Yet despite God's warning, Cain's anger and jealousy overcame him to the point that he ultimately murdered his younger brother.

Like these two brothers, you may have struggled with anger yourself, or perhaps have been the recipient of someone who has - perhaps an abusive spouse or parent, boss or domineering or manipulative friends. Each of these situations generates anger, hurt and resentment, and you need a godly strategy to manage these powerful, and what can become, toxic, emotions.

As I've reflected on this challenge you'll face, I want to share principles that have been helpful to me over the years related to dealing with anger, hurt and resentment in a healthy way.

  1. First, you'll need to recognize that anger comes from hurt.

    Anger is a secondary emotion, caused by an offense or hurt of some sort. When attempting to manage either your own anger or that of others, it's helpful to realize that the anger comes from an offense or the perception of an offense.

    When attempting to manage the emotion of anger, it's helpful to revisit the interactions in your mind leading up to the emotion of anger, either on your own part or that of the other person. Often, you'll be able to identify the comment(s) that were made that set off the angry reaction.

  1. Anger that is left unresolved can quickly turn to resentment, bitterness, and finally hatred, placing you in a spiritually vulnerable position.

    It's easy to leave anger unresolved - often it seems like too much effort to bring up a conflict with someone, and it's particularly threatening if it's someone with whom we're in a primary relationship - i.e., spouses, parents, children, etc. These situations are extremely emotionally loaded, as so much rides on them being resolved successfully. Often it seems easier to say nothing and not "rock the relational boat," rather than to bring the issue forward for resolution.

    Yet Eph. 4:26-27 warns us "not to let the sun go down on your anger, thereby giving Satan an opportunity." Heb. 12:15 adds that the bitterness that can come will "defile many." So others are affected, too, by our anger, not just the party with whom we're angry at the time.

    James 1:19-20 gives us wisdom, exhorting us to "be slow to anger, be quick to hear, and to be slow to speak, for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." This passage highlights for us the common root of hurt and anger, which is from our communication with others.

  1. Miscommunication can lead to anger and hurt.

    Your communication with others is the primary way that our relationship to them is expressed. Depending on your temperament, you may have various communication challenges, or your spouse, parent or child may as well. Often we're not understood clearly, and others can taken offense. However, in some situations, people want to be offensive and their motives are to hurt the other person. However, if the one with whom you often have conflict is good-willed in their heart, you can know that miscommunication is likely playing a great role in the expression of the conflict.

  1. It's important to learn healthy patterns and approaches to anger management.

    Often when you or any of us are angry or under stress, we can resort to "primal" expressions of our anger - patterns we may have learned in our families of origin, but which are counterproductive to maintaining healthy relationships.

    Some of these unhealthy patterns include passive-aggressive behaviors, such as stonewalling, ignoring the person, withdrawal or disengagement. Active-aggressive patterns such as attacking the other person are not healthy, either.

    It's so much better to identify the issues you're angry about and attempt to engage in communication over those issues, negotiating as needed to achieve a "win-win" for each party. This takes great patience, but can be achieved as you "walk in the Spirit," (Gal. 5:25) and pray for wisdom as you interact with the person with whom you're struggling.

  1. Lastly, recognize that love and forgiveness cover a multitude of sins.

    In order to fully resolve your anger and hurt, you'll need to come to a place of forgiveness, only possible by modeling the love Christ has shown for us in providing a way of forgiveness for our wrongdoings through His work on the cross.

Keys to Victory along the Journey

  • First, you'll need to recognize that anger comes from hurt.

  • Anger that is left unresolved can quickly turn to resentment, bitterness, and finally hatred, placing you in a spiritually vulnerable position
  • Miscommunication can lead to anger and hurt.

  • It's important to learn healthy patterns and approaches to anger management.

  • Lastly, recognize that love and forgiveness cover a multitude of sins.

The June 22 entry from Streams in the Desert, by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman, gives wisdom for you about this perspective:
Love covereth (Prov. 10:12)

Be eager in pursuit of this love (1 Cor. 13:7-13)

"Rehearse your troubles to God only. Not long ago I read in a paper a bit of personal experience from a precious child of God, and it made such an impression upon me that I record it here. She wrote:

'I found myself one midnight wholly sleepless as the surges of a cruel injustice swept over me, and the love which covers seemed to have crept out of my heart. Then I cried to God in an agony for the power to obey His injunction, 'Love covereth.'

Immediately the Spirit began to work in me the power that brought about the forgetfulness.

Mentally I dug a grave. Deliberately I threw up the earth until the excavation was deep.

Sorrowfully I lowered into it the thing which wounded me. Quickly I shoveled in the clods.

Over the mound I carefully laid the green sods. Then I covered it with white roses and forget-me-nots, and quickly walked away.

Sweet sleep came. The wound which had been so nearly deadly was healed without a scar, and I know not today what caused my grief.' "

If you would like to hear more topics like these, please join us for the June "Inspirational Women's Garden Club" event on Wednesday, June 25, at 7 p.m. EST. For more information, contact Suzanne at suzanne@suzannemartinez.com. We'd love to have you join us and bring a friend, too!


June Coaching Special

With enrollment this month in the Inspirational Women's Garden Club, you’ll receive a complimentary 30-minute personal or church coaching consult. Just contact my office at suzanne@suzannemartinez.com. I'd love to help you.

Please let me know what issues you would like to hear about in the next newsletter. I'll do my best to address your concerns! I look forward to speaking with you all next month.

Many prayers and blessings to you all,



Leadership Tips and Relationship Tips are monthly e-zines written and published by Suzanne Martinez, founder of SFM Consulting & Associates, LLC. Our purpose is to help leaders develop healthy leadership cultures and healthy relationships - cultures that promote growth and maximize personal and organizational performance.

You may copy, forward or distribute this e-zine if this copyright notice and contact information for Suzanne Martinez is included.

Suzanne Martinez
SFM Consulting & Associates, LLC
P.O. Box 9172
Reston, VA 20195-9172
703.282.2325
suzanne@suzannemartinez.com
www.suzannemartinez.com


Copyright ©SFM Consulting & Associates, LLC, 2006-2008.


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Leadership & Relationship Tips
June 2008
Vol. I, Issue 28


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Would you Like to Have Your Own CD copy of Recent Garden Club Messages?

It's easy. Just click on the links below, and your CD copies will be shipped out to you ~

Developing Patience through Your Difficulties (April 2007)

Celebrating the Goodness of God in your Life (May 2007)

Dealing with Stress and Anxiety (June 2007)

Finding Rest for Your Soul (July 2007)

Conquering Bitterness through the Power of Forgiveness (August 2007)

Resolving Conflict and Healing Patterns from the Past (September 2007)

Pink & Blue: Secrets to Translating Male/Female Communication to Achieve Meaningful Love and Work

Depending on God to Live Victoriously Despite our Circumstances (November 2007)

Persevering Prayer that Leads to Hope and a Victorious Life (December 2007)

Mastering and Sustaining Personal Change (January 2008)

Servant Leadership Lessons Jesus Modeled for Our Leadership and Our Lives (Feb 2008)

How to Choose and Be a True Friend for Life (March 2008)

How to Find a Healthy Balance between Your Work, Ministry and Personal Life (April 2008)

Leading and Managing through Change with Grace (May 2008)

If you'd like to purchase the package of Garden Club CDs for yourself or as a gift for a friend, you may do so by clicking on the following link - Garden Club Album. I hope you'll be inspired by these!


Upcoming Garden Club Teleseminars

Interested in joining the Inspirational Women's Garden Club?

It's a monthly get-together via telephone of women to network, build relationships with one another, and to discuss the Relationship Tips monthly topic.

Our next Inspirational Women's Garden Club event is:

Wed, June 25, 7 pm EST on:

Dealing with Anger, Hurt, and Resentment in a Healthy Way.

Just email me at Suzanne's office for more information and for the information needed to participate!

If you'd like more information about the Garden Club or to enroll, please go to Inspirational Women's Garden Club. You may hear a sample audio class at FREE Gift and FREE Handout. Hope you'll join us on Wed, June 25 at 7 pm EST!


Becoming a Woman of Godly Character

Our words reflect our hearts and character. In the CD, "Becoming a Woman of Godly Character," Suzanne provides answers to common questions women ask and encourages you in your walk with Christ.

She'll also teach you qualities of a godly woman and the process whereby God changes you throughout your life to make you more like Christ.

Click here to order your copy...

Reversing the Curse: Rediscovering Joy and Fulfillment in Relationships

Reversing the Curse: Rediscovering Joy and Fulfillment in Relationships

In this four-week study guide, Suzanne leads you to simple, but powerful, tools to reverse the effects of the curse and transform your relationships in amazing ways.

As you learn and incorporate these three simple "power tools" into your relationships, you'll find you rediscover joy and fulfillment in your relationships in a new and fresh way.

Click here to order your copy!

Reversing the Curse: Rediscovering Joy and Fulfillment in Relationships


Inspiring Devotionals

Has your relationship with Christ lost its fervor? Have you gotten caught up in the stresses of life? Is your time with the Lord placed on the back burner?

These two devotionals will help renew your focus on Christ, gain strength for the trials you face, and enable you to give praise to God amidst whatever difficulties you encounter.

Devotionals

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About Suzanne

Suzanne France Martinez
Founder & Principal

During the last 20 years as Suzanne served in the marketplace and in ministry, she learned to excel amidst the pressing demands and challenges of leadership in each setting.

Suzanne's passion is to help leaders develop healthy leadership and healthy relationships - cultures that promote growth and maximize personal and organizational performance.

Suzanne desires to help leaders renew and refresh their vision, attain new levels of leadership excellence, and build healthy and strong leadership organizations.


Copyright © 2006-2008 SFM Consulting & Associates, LLC.